Understanding High-Functioning Codependency
Are You an "I Got It!" Person?
Aren't we all sometimes? Let's explore the concept of High-Functioning Codependency (HFC).
What is High-Functioning Codependency?
Have you ever automatically jumped in to solve someone else's problems? Do you often prioritize others' needs and feelings over your own, even at the expense of your well-being? If so, you might be a High-Functioning Codependent, a concept discussed in Terri Cole's book Too Much.
High-Functioning Codependency (HFC) is fundamentally characterized by unhealthy boundaries and an outward focus on others. At its core, HFC means being overly invested in the feelings, outcomes, situations, relationships, finances, and careers of the people in your life, often to the detriment of your own internal peace and well-being. Sometimes, this can even lead to negative financial impacts, such as giving money you cannot afford to lose, fractured relationships, or losing out on your own happiness while ruminating about someone else’s issues that they may not be willing to change yet.
This pattern often manifests in phrases like, "I got it!", "I'm the only one who can do it," "I can fix it," or even "I wish they would just listen to me." Many times these phrases are swirling around in the HFC’s mind, willing them to take "control" and "manage" a situation due to their own discomfort about another's situation.
The Root Cause: Disordered Boundaries
In Too Much, Cole refers to disordered boundaries as the foundation of any type of codependent relationship, including HFC’s. Codependency is described as a relational issue concerning how you relate to both others and yourself. A central aspect of codependent behavior is a desire, whether covert or overt, to control other people's outcomes.
HFC’s find it particularly challenging to set, stick to, and respect boundaries. This difficulty largely stems from an outward focus. Because they prioritize others to such an extent, they may not be fully in touch with their own needs. Putting their own preferences or needs first may feel selfish or wrong to them. Many HFC’s may have been raised and praised for being self-abandoning, you may also identify these individuals by their people-pleasing traits. We can see this especially in women, but anyone can have these traits. Healthy boundaries were often not modeled; instead, behaviors like being "nice, agreeable, and helpful" were the ones socially accepted. This often results in HFC’s going through life on autopilot, constantly doing for others and losing themselves while trying to do for others.
Common Traits of a High-Functioning Codependent
Over-giving: Consistently giving excessively. This is the behavior behind those "I got it!" or "I'll do it" statements.
Always feeling like you need to fix other people’s problems: Directly tied to the core codependent desire to control other people's outcomes. HFC’s might find themselves constantly thinking about what others are thinking or feeling (often a projection) and focusing on why someone might ask them to do something, rather than simply deciding to ask them what they need or want.
Auto-advice giving: The tendency to automatically offer advice without being asked. This can be a way HFC’s inadvertently "trample" on the boundaries of others. They just can’t help it sometimes, it just happens automatically. HFC’s can feel compelled to offer unsolicited advice and can sometimes be upset when their suggestions are not taken.
Auto-accommodating: Automatically adjusting one's own needs or plans to fit others. This often happens without being authentic or truthful to themselves about their personal desires or limits.
Being overly self-sacrificing and self-abandoning: HFCs are in the habit of sacrificing their own needs and abandoning themselves. This can include minimizing personal disappointments to avoid making things a "big deal". This behavior aligns with the idea of being raised and praised for self-abandonment. - This can also leave them feeling physically and emotionally depleted.
These traits, rooted in unhealthy boundaries, often lead to an over- and under-functioning dynamic in relationships. The HFC frequently takes charge and does things for others, creating an imbalance that can potentially lead to resentment for everyone involved.
Shifting to Healthier Patterns
The good news is that HFC traits can be identified and shifted to better suit all those involved in the relationship. By gaining insights about these traits and behaviors, an individual can put the work into themselves instead of others! Thankfully, new traits and behaviors can be adapted, and stronger relationships can be formed with healthy, new boundaries. The HFC can still be empathic towards others, but they can gain a better understanding of how to be a supportive character instead of the protagonist in another person's story!
Being aware of these traits and their foundation in disordered boundaries is the first step towards recognizing these patterns and potentially choosing a healthier and happier path.
Remember, HFC’s are not cruel or malicious. They are people who try to do it all for the people they care about. HFC’s are attempting to navigate and manage their own distress about someone else's problems.
Hey, we might all have a little HFC in us!!
Take the Next Step Towards Healing
Are you ready to prioritize your mental health? Explore my blog for valuable insights and consider scheduling a virtual therapy session tailored to your needs. Together, we can work towards your personal goals in a supportive and affirming environment.
Meet Christine McGowan: Your Partner in Mental Wellness
With years of experience in the mental health field, I specialize in trauma recovery, neurodiversity, and empowering individuals to navigate life's transitions. My approach is rooted in empathy and evidence-based practices, ensuring that you receive the support you need to achieve your personal goals. Together, we can explore your unique journey and foster a deeper understanding of your mental health. Learn more about my approach.