Boundaries, Self-Worth, and Beating the Gaslighting Game!
So, you've done it! You bravely set those healthy boundaries, and now... surprise, surprise!—you're getting some pushback. It's like you've just declared yourself the MVP of self-respect, and suddenly, the "emotional dodgeball" game is in full swing, with blame and "you're crazy!" comments flying your way. But here's the truth: this resistance isn't about you being wrong; it's often because someone isn't getting their way from their usual unhealthy behavioral patterns. Navigating relationships, especially with those charming emotionally immature or narcissistic individuals, can feel like a bewildering maze of twists and turns. But fear not, you are not WRONG!! You are strong; you have all the tools to reclaim your peace, recognize your incredible value, and effectively turn off or at least turn down the gaslighting chatter! Get ready to claim your well-deserved peace because your peace is non-negotiable!
Think of boundaries not as walls, but as your personal force field – invisible, yet incredibly powerful, protecting your time, energy, and emotional well-being. When you say 'yes' to your needs and 'no' to what drains you, you're not just being picky or difficult; you're actively preventing burnout and managing stress! You are valuing your own worth, which, by the way, seriously boosts your self-esteem and self-respect. Plus, with clear boundaries, you're creating a sense of safety and security, reducing anxiety, and promoting overall emotional well-being.
But wait, boundaries aren't just about your self-care. They support your relationships by making them stronger! Boundaries lead to clearer communication, helping you express your needs and expectations, which in turn fosters more open and honest connections. When others respect your limits, it cultivates mutual respect and trust, leading to stronger, more authentic relationships. Boundaries help you align your choices with your values, become more self-aware, and can even boost your productivity and focus. Who knew a little "NO" could do so much? Psst…….check out my Blog on Boundaries!
Spotting the Bull Sh💩t: Recognizing Poor Behavior & Gaslighting.
Alright, now for the fun part: identifying the architects of emotional chaos. We're talking about emotionally immature individuals and, often, those with narcissistic traits. These folks, to our misfortune, haven't quite reached the “adulting” stage when it comes to emotions. The American Psychological Association defines emotional immaturity as expressing emotions without restraint or disproportionately to the situation, often mirroring “childlike” reactions. Their bodies may have "grown up," but their emotional development might be "stuck" at an earlier emotional age, leading to chronically "childish" behaviors.
So, how do you spot 'em?
Impulsive behavior: They act without thinking about consequences, saying things that hurt others. Think less “grown-up” and more “toddler” having a meltdown.
Demanding attention: If they're not the center of the universe, they'll find ways to draw focus to themselves, even if it means acting out or cracking inappropriate jokes.
Name-calling and bullying: Want to go back to middle school, anyone? They resort to childlike displays of temper driven flip-outs and bullying instead of mature communication.
Avoidance & Irresponsibility: Significant responsibilities? Nah, why? If in a relationship,they let their partner care for their needs! They might avoid committed relationships, careers, or even basic self-sufficiency. It's the “Peter Pan syndrome” in action!
Narcissism & Egocentrism: This is a big one. They struggle to think about others' needs, always wanting their own way, showing limited empathy, and only caring about themselves. Their world revolves around their own self-preoccupations.
Lack of self-reflection: Don't expect them to question themselves. They're self-justifying and defensive, especially when challenged. Reality for them is simply what they feel it to be.
Emotional Intimacy? What's that? They pull back from deep emotional connections, often reacting with defensiveness or belligerence when others try to be emotionally open. They don't do the emotional work necessary to keep relationships balanced.
High reactivity: Small problems become massive emergencies for them. They live in the present, blurting out thoughts without considering long-term effects.
Blame Game: They often project blame onto others, making you question your reality and take responsibility for their missteps. They struggle with taking responsibility for their actions.
When you try to set boundaries with these individuals, brace yourself! They often interpret boundaries as personal attacks or rejections. Expect defensiveness, blame, manipulation (think guilt trips or playing the victim), or even a complete emotional shutdown. They may try to make you feel like you're the problem.
Enter: Gaslighting! This is the ultimate mind-bend, manipulating you into doubting your own feelings and perception of reality. It's a power and control move that can wreck your self-esteem, leading to anxiety or depression. Around these individuals, you might feel confused, drained, irritated, like your feelings are dismissed, or even “in a daze”. This happens because their immature defense mechanisms often involve utilizing gaslighting phrases to discount your reality.
Here are some classic “Gaslighter” phrases and what they're really doing:
"You're being crazy" / "You're overreacting" / "You're being too sensitive"
They're trying to make you question your sanity and dismiss your feelings as irrational.
"I was just kidding, can’t you take a joke?"
Downplaying their rude comments to make you feel overly sensitive.
"You made me do it" / "It's not my fault" / "If you hadn't done that, it wouldn't have happened.”
Shifting all blame and avoiding responsibility.
"If you loved me, it wouldn’t be a problem / don’t you trust me?"
Guilt-tripping you when you try to set boundaries.
"I'm telling you this because I love you and I want the best for you. / I want you to be better so I need to tell you the truth.”
Justifying abusive or insulting comments under the guise of care.
"This is your fault. / You made me do this."
Accusing you of harmful actions, even if they're doing the same.
"Everyone agrees with me — you're just difficult"
Trying to isolate you and make you feel alone.
"The real problem is…" / "You're talking about the past.” or They bring up the past when you are talking about something in the moment.
Diverting attention and avoiding addressing their mistakes.
"What are you talking about? You are making that up, I never said that!"
Rewriting reality to evade responsibility, making YOU feel crazy.
"Why is everything a big deal? Stop making problems!"
Invalidating your concerns and opinions.
"YOU statements - YOU always….. YOU never……"
The finger is always pointed at you! Using generalizations to avoid constructive conversation.
Your Inner Strength: Recognizing Your Value & Maintaining Boundaries.
Now, let's tap into your inner strength and remember who you are: a valuable human being who deserves respect, safety, and to be heard! You are within your rights to say "I need you to not talk to me this way". Your opinions and thoughts matter, and they should be respected. You should feel safe in every relationship, be it physical, sexual, or financial.
Ready to flex your boundary-setting skills? Here’s your battle plan:
Define Your Non-Negotiables: PAUSE before you speak. Before you even open your mouth, get crystal clear on what you are and are not comfortable with. This helps you communicate clearly.
Speak Your Truth (Calmly, Clearly): Use "I" statements to express your needs without blaming. For instance, instead of "You always ignore me," try "I feel ignored when you interrupt me." Pick a time and place where both parties are calm and receptive.
Assert Yourself & Stay Consistent: Communicate your boundaries firmly and respectfully. Be prepared to repeat and reinforce them if challenged. Remember, you don't need to justify, defend, or explain why you have a boundary. It’s your life, your decision.
Manage Expectations: You can't force someone to change their behavior. Your focus should be on how you respond and prioritize your well-being.
Focus on Behavior, Not Character: Highlight the problematic actions or words, rather than attacking their personality.
Practice Your Responses: Role-playing with a trusted friend or therapist can make a huge difference. You'll get better at navigating those tricky conversations.
Be Prepared for Pushback: Especially if people are used to you having no boundaries, they might react negatively. They may argue, blame, accuse you of being sensitive, minimize your feelings, or get angry. Try to stay calm and avoid getting sucked into arguments or emotional outbursts.
The Follow-Through is Key: If boundaries are repeatedly disregarded, be prepared to enforce consequences. This might mean limiting contact or, if necessary, ending the relationship. When you communicate consequences beforehand and follow through, you build credibility.
Don't Engage in Arguments: If they argue or manipulate, calmly restate your boundary and disengage from the unproductive conversation.
I call this the PAUSE - PAUSE when you need to walk away. Know that you can be present with yourself. You do not have to argue back or take disrespect.
Notice if they try to upset you or argue with you before something you are supposed to do without them, or something that is important to you. DON’T take the bait, use your PAUSE so your special moments are not ruined.
Protect Your Vulnerabilities: If you're dealing with a narcissist, be cautious about sharing your vulnerabilities, as they might use them to manipulate or hurt you.
Prioritize Self-Care: Setting and maintaining boundaries is emotionally taxing. Make sure you're engaging in activities that help you recharge and maintain your well-being. You deserve as much as you give to the relationship; if you're constantly giving and getting nothing in return, stop giving.
Seek Support: Sometimes, you can't go it alone. Talking to a therapist, counselor, or trusted friend can provide invaluable guidance and support. Surround yourself with people who respect and care for you.
You are not alone in dealing with these dynamics. It’s about recognizing the pattern and changing your response. You can feel empowered!
Setting healthy boundaries and refusing to be gaslit is a journey, not a destination. It requires patience, self-compassion, and a clear understanding of your own needs and limits. But every step you take to protect your peace, recognize your immense value, and stand firm in your reality is a step towards healthier relationships and a more empowered, authentic you.
If you need support holding boundaries, consider scheduling a virtual therapy session tailored to your needs. Together, we can work towards your personal goals in a supportive and affirming environment.
Hi! I’m Christine McGowan: Your Partner in Mental Wellness
With years of experience in the mental health field, I specialize in trauma recovery, neurodiversity, and empowering individuals to navigate life's transitions. My approach is rooted in empathy and evidence-based practices, ensuring that you receive the support you need to achieve your personal goals. Together, we can explore your unique journey and foster a deeper understanding of your mental health.
I will be continuously adding more free resources that can be downloaded, so check back frequently.
